Resolution #7: Shower the people you love with love

Annie at the river, shining her light.

I know I said last night (er, earlier this morning ) that I would talk about reality today, but with this little sleep, it has a pretty tenuous hold these parts.
Instead we have a fabulous back up resolution:
"Shower the people you love with love, and show them the way that you feel."  Don't wait.
 And I'll let the music below suffice for the blog.

Resolution #6: Know and Act on a Priorty

I had this grand vision, see, of getting it right this year-- 30 resolutions in 30 days, and they were going to be numbered, written and released on the calendar days corresponding.

"If you want to make the Gods laugh, make a plan", some smartypants pantheist said.

Thursday night I planned to go to the Arts Care exhibit opening at the Arts Center-- two of my dear friends, who are wonderful artists and stellar vessels of love and light, were showing some of the work they do as part of a community project bringing healing creativity to the ill.  I've been making art (or at least watching them make it) with these and 6 other women on the coast during twice yearly retreats for 18 years.  But a few days ago we found that one of our own was diagnosed with a Really Scary Illness, so the remainder of us gathered tonight to send our loving intentions to her from too far away as she faces surgery tomorrow.  We broke bread, lit candles, sang out to her, made an alter of her pictures (she has the most whimsical smile), and told stories as we held her in our circle.

I left at 8 explaining I had to go fulfill this commitment I'd made to blog a resolution a day throughout January. We'd done what we'd come to do; it was fine.

I got home and debriefed a rough, sad day with my sweetheart, who stroked my arm, listened and was the triple C we all love him for (cool, calm and collected).  When he asked me how I was doing, I said I was so sad my stomach hurt.  Huh, he said, mine's feeling a little funny too.  I said I was sorry if I had upset him and he said no, I think it was something I ate.  There was a quick little transition from normal sweetie to the kid in the exorcist-- like in seconds.  I will not fill in the blanks for you but it ended with him too weak to talk or walk, pale and clammy, 911, the whole circus show.

Meanwhile in the ER I get a message from my sister in KC, stupid-thirty in the morning her time, that our dad's on his way to the ER there.   Haven't heard a follow-up but they thought it would be a quick visit to deal with some equipment fail issues and then he's back to acute care rehab.

By the time we got home it was 2 am, sweetie was no longer a Horror Fountain or jellyfish and my midnight deadline had come and gone without the day's blog.  Amazing what a few pints of rehydration, 6 hot blankets, 2 SWEET nurses (yea Lindsey!  yea Laura!) and he is off to sleep the sleep of the just and the just real tired.

More on this theme in tomorrow's /today's blog, Dealing with Bloody Reality As it Is, Even When It Stinks.  Though if memory serves, it had a gentler title when I first thought of writing it.  And I will try to stay on track, God Willing and the Crik Don't Rise.  Meanwhile I am using my vast knowledge of criminal thinking errors (justification, uniqueness)  to say I am STILL ON TRACK: it's still Thursday to me since I've not been to bed.

Some ideas to consider if you take this resolution as homework:
What is calling for my attention?  Whose need is greatest?  What would future self want present self to do now?  Notice a priority in your life and give it its due today.  Maybe that's getting to the gym, maybe it's calling your mother to tell her you love her.  I trust you.  You'll figure it out.

We have competing agendas all the time.  For this resolution, look at your priorities and see what truly needs your attention and will best serve a pressing need.  Remember to count yourself in the equation need-wise.
As in , right now, I need to get some sleep.
ZZZZZZZ,
Jana
ps-- this photo isn't mine because i did not make the summit that day-- Thanks to photog/mountain goat Tom Brennan for the shot.

Resolution #5: Do Something Different

Shake it up, baby.  
Tiny differences in your routine can lead to an increased level of "overall life satisfaction and contentment", aka happiness.  The Positive Psychology movement championed by researcher Martin Seligman, found that making a small change daily led to increases in perceived happiness. Taking a different route to work, dressing up if you usually dress casually or vice versa, or taking a walk rather than watching TV after dinner-- these sorts of variations mysteriously left partifipants feeling better.

Here's an inspiring article on the benefits of change.
http://www.happinessinthisworld.com/2010/02/28/trying-new-things/

Find out more about Positive Psychology here: Authentic Happiness site

Soundtrack for today's homework (of course):

Resolution #4: Thank Somebody

Today's resolution is to express gratitude to someone deserving, for past or present assistance.
I am going to write a letter to the physician who looked into my father's eyes and stroked his forehead when he was in great pain (you are wonderful, Dr.Tewodros Addisse!).


Ideas:

1. A postcard to that business or employee that remembered how much customer service mattered
2. The teacher that inspired you then or now
3. The neighbor who keeps a beautiful garden
4. The friend who may think you take their kindnesses for granted
5. An organization that provides a needed service
6. A politician who stood up for the voiceless
7. Someone at your place of worship, school, or other community center that goes above and beyond in volunteering time or skills
8. An artist that took your breath away

OK, you know what to do.  I'd love to hear about it.
Jana

Resolution #3: Befriend Your Body

  Hey, what's that thang carrying around your chattering monkey mind all day?  Given it any love lately?

Today's resolution is an easy one, because there are so many small ways to carry it out.  Here's a short list.  Links to more info are highlighted:

1) Well of course, give it a little exercise.  Take a walk, go to the gym, or just dance to some Motown in your kitchen. Check out Lisa Well's new digs at Live Well Studio Live Well Studio and do some restorative yoga or get your ya yas out with some wild Zumba dance.  Dr. Jim Phelps will give you the low down on how this will up your mental health:  read here.

2)  Eat something wonderful that's locally made and grown and doesn't have too many ingredients.  Think about how the sun became it and it is becoming you.  My, you look lovely in that kale.  Try First Alternative Coop for luscious local lectables; or one of the many restaurants that specialize in locavore dishes;
or make a virtual visit to Corvallis Local Foods.

3) Shine on, you crazy diamond.  Get some sun on that skin. Try for a least 20 minutes a day on arms, hands, face to generate that D.  Find out why here:  Linus Pauling's Vitamin D page.

4) Give some extra special love to a body part that's giving you trouble. In one of her memoirs, Writer Anne Lamott  talks about having to go on a cruise after not seeing her thighs in the light for oh, some decades perhaps.  She had worked herself into a tizzy about having the "aunties" as she called them come out into the daylight nekkid.  A friend came over and they spent some time loving on the aunties-- rubbing them with lotion, putting on sparkly stickers and reassuring them they were fine coming out to visit.  I don't know if this is the intervention you particularly need-- but how about a nice hot bath?  A professional massage?  A pedicure?  This is basically a thank you present to your body for doing all the labor.

  5)  Try some relaxation and breathing practices to help release the tension of modern life.  Here's three from Dr. Weil's page:  http://www.drweil.com/drw/u/ART00521/three-breathing-exercises.html

6) Wear something that makes you happy.  Flannel pajamas do it for me.  My sisters prefer fancy boots and saucy skirts; one says, "Sparkle is my favorite color."  I'm function, they're form.  Diversity is great. What decorations for your skin honor your "unique Eunice"? Which outfits up your confidence, silliness, sexiness, relaxation?  Drag it out and on and pay attention to how you feel in your ceremonial costume.  In a rut?  Mix it up.  If you're always flannels, try on some Goodwill silks and see how Body feels.

Here's a sappy song by Donovan that used to make me grab that old denim and smile and dance..

Resolution #2: Connect with a friend

Read this article then make and fulfill an intention to spend a little time with someone you love.  Write a letter, make a call, take a walk together.  Let them know how they increase your life.


Want to go deeper?  Block out a couple of hours together and make a logbook of secret adventures to share in 2011.  Check them off when complete and hide the log in a time capsule to be dug up in your dotage.

Got no friends?  Reach out a bit to someone from the past, the neighborhood, your office, that guy reading over there, the woman who chats you up at the coffee.  Look at later resolution blogs for tips on improving your chances of connecting.

Resolution #1: Spend more time in nature

A walk in the woods can temper a week of worries.  In Japan, the practice of "forest-bathing" (shinrin-yoku) is promoted as a healthful practice for calming and restoring the spirit.  City stimulation taxes the brain-- the constant background drone of machinery, the changing quality of light, the barrage of visual information takes its toll on us physiologically and psychologically.  The quieter pace of natural novelty encourages contemplation, relaxation and a more regular rhythm for both body and brain.  The flora increases available oxygen, and there are fewer interruptions to thought. Walking calms the parasympathetic nervous system and provides gentle exercise without the need for a gym membership or bulky equipment.

In the valley, there are numerous close-in trails where one can feel enveloped in natural beauty.  Terrains range from short 1/2 mile loops on boardwalks (Jackson-Frasier Wetlands) to McDonald Forest's more than 80 miles of trail through old growth and foothills. The Benton County public library has put a PDF of Phillip Hays' guide to Corvallis trails on-line-- find it here.

Resolve to spend a half hour or a day in the woods, and see what it brings you.
 

What a difference a day makes

 2010 is almost over, and as my sister said, "Don't let the door hit you in the butt on the way out." 

It's just another day-- but the changing of the calendar year encourages a chance to reflect, renew our choices, and if we wish, begin anew.

Last January I resolved to write a daily resolution. I didn't quite make it-- I think I got 27 out of the month-- so this year I'll give it another go.  And instead of 2010's big global action words, I'll write about specific actions we can take to improve health, happiness, community.  Think of it as daily therapy homework, but don't be limited to trying it the day I post it-- I sure don't expect to keep that busy. If you try some of these, I'd love to hear about your experience.


May 2011 bring you and yours the blessings of love and growth.
...
ps-- even though this is essentially a commercial-- it gave me joy.  Click the link to view.

The reality of suffering

"It is what it is", we hear. and even as we struggle to resist the inevitability of suffering, reality insists itself upon us.  A devil's bargain:   feel little, of either joy or sorrow; or  feel so unbearably much of both the best life can offer and more pain than we believe we can bear.  We die young, or we live long enough to see others leave us.

There is no fairness, no sensible story I can make of some of what happens in this world. In a critical care waiting room, strangers become intimate through the worst of life circumstances.  A young woman's family gathers praying for miracles after a skiing accident; a small town high school football star tries to live up to his tough image as his 48 year father recovers from emergency brain surgery.  A 19 year old boy dies from injuries sustained in a car accident despite the full house church members praying fervently he be spared.

Tragedy is not all life offers, but it is part and parcel.  We are called to be big containers.  We bear more than we believe we can, and sometimes all we can do is breathe in, breathe out, and love.  If nothing else, we can love-- scared, small as we feel.  We offer what we can-- our ear, our car, our dollars, our arms.  We can accept that we are part of this big family, do our best to be kind and stay conscious, and keep walking toward that place of love.

Home for the Holidaze

 "Having a family is like having a bowling alley installed in your head"-- Martin  Mull


Christmas and Hanukkah are boom times for therapists.  What is it about holidays that cause so much trouble?  There's the  obvious:   the extra activities to cram in too already crazy busy lives, the financial strains, the booze and sugar hangovers.

And there's  the poignant and sometimes painful difference between the Hallmark commercials of ideal family communion and reality of messy humans coming together with their messy selves.

We spend the latter years of our family-of-origin time struggling to develop identities that resonate with our souls.  Part of that journey means turning away from the very sources of our safety and nurturing-- to be able to find enough differences between ourselves and our parents that we can leave them.


And then the holidays come.  And with it, questions unconscious or not.


Can I be different and still belong?  Can I be true to me and still be loved by you?

Visiting home, or reuniting with relatives, we bump into our younger selves.  Dependent, less competent, locked into family or community roles we may have long since left.   Oftentimes these self portraits aren't held so much by others as projected by us.  Boundaries shift, alliances conflict, and sometimes we fall apart.
We may also struggle to see others as they see themselves without us, and call them back into roles that no longer fit.

Reunions seem to work best when we notice our thoughts and judgments, and remind ourselves they are just that-- impressions and projections, not facts.  I read in a book on some subject seemingly unrelated to therapy-- I think it was economics-- that people are all looking through their own very narrow aluminum tubes, and thinking they are seeing the same thing that others see, looking at different points through their tubes.  When we can rise above ourselves take an eagle eye view, we gain understanding and compassion.  We get that in any given moment in time, we are acting with the limitations with us right then-- just like everyone else.  Sometimes we are being very limited.  We snap and complain, out of tiredness or just confusion from being out of our element or stretched past our resources.  We overfunction, out of hopes we will be shown the love we need.  We isolate, out of fear we don't belong.  And yet we still want acceptance, or at least recognition of our validity.  As do those we love, acting out of their own limitations of the moment.

If you find yourself with loved ones trying hard to conjure up some love, see if you can show them the same acceptance for who they are as you are hoping them to show you.  Even or especially if you disagree with their choices.  In between reminiscing in the sweetness or horror of how things used to be, remember to be curious about how things are now for them, and who they are becoming.  Relinquish your internalized limitations for them and maybe they can do the same for you.  If worse comes to worst, try the OLA strategy.


As hard as you try, no one can escape the horror of Christmas, so you may as well be with your own family."—Liz Lemon, 30 Rock

May the holidays and the new year find your heart ever expanding,
Jana

600 hundreds kinds of love

Beautiful day here in the heart of the valley.  Hiked Bald Hill in what should be the afternoon; ended up walking down at dark-thirty, making lots of noise so as  not to be cougar bait.  Later, stopped at the local LDS church, where the Community Nativity Festival was in the last hours of its three day run.  In its 16th year, the free event hosts over 600 creches made of everything from rolled up recycled newspaper to fine porcelain and metals. There were interpretations of the birth of Jesus from every country, and in some, the characters wore the clothing or had the facial features of the region of the artist.  Some of the creches were mass produced series, some handmade originals; each was meaningful enough to someone that it was purchased or given.  There were "Precious Moments" nativities and at least 4 (!) manger scenes in which every character was a snowperson,  There were even all frog and all dog scenes.  But no matter how serious, whimsical, downright silly or highfalutin' the creation, each seemed a message of adoration and unconditional love.

Some people have some pretty specific ideas about religion, and I am fine to let them have them. We do the best we can understanding big pictures with our individual, fully human minds.   I do believe strongly in the law that informs all faiths-- the law of love.

This week, I saw our town come together in love to support a faith community that was targeted by an arsonist.  The day before, a youth who had occasionally attended there had allegedly plotted a terrorist attack in Portland.  The local mosque and others in the Islam community quickly condemned his actions, pointing out  it was not in keeping with tenets of the faith.  However, many commenting online about the incident seemed to confuse the actions of the individual with all people of Muslim identity or from Islamic nations. Some called for expulsion of all immigrants; others accused all Muslims of violent intent.

I was glad to see that here in our town, hundreds turned out on a very cold and rainy night to show support and love for the hate crime against one of our own.  Rabbi Barnett spoke of the need to bring light of hope against fear and hate.  Quakers and other Christians prayed for peace and understanding.  Mohammed Siala, an imam at the Salman Alfarisi Islamic Center, thanked the crowd for coming from the warmth of their home to show the warmth of their hearts.  He asked all to release anger and to embrace love and compassion that could be “stronger and more powerful than the might of evil."

Let the bigness of love be stronger this season than fear.

Fixing a Hole Where the Rain Comes In

It's been some week here in the heart of the valley.  When I first moved here, I would clip choice selections from the Crime Watch column of the newspaper and send them to my folks:  "Zucchini thrown through window of home.  Both zucchini and window complete loss."  "Caller reported an unwrapped birthday cake had been placed in her mailbox."  Things haven't changed too much over the years.   Here's one from this fall:  
THAT’LL CLEAR THE FLOOR: 3:11 a.m., Peacock, 125 S.W. Second St. The head of security reported that at about 2 a.m., someone set off a “stink bomb” on the upstairs dance floor, clearing the bar and alarming customers. The “bomb” was foul-smelling oil wrapped in foil, with “Fart Bag” written on the outside. 

But this week, our town received national attention when an Oregon State student was accused of plotting a bombing at a crowded Portland holiday gathering.  A 19 year old US citizen of Somalia birth,  Mohamed Osman Mohamud allegedly wanted anyone attending the popular event "to leave either dead or injured" and expressed no concern about innocent children and others being hurt.  He has been branded a terrorist; and if reports of his attempts to ignite the bomb he thought was in place are true, he truly tried to earn that title.

But nearly as troubling are the comments on news websites from viewers, quick to leap on Mohamud's Moslem identity (and his immigration status).  Many readers immediately blamed the religion, saying Islam supports and encourages such actions. Within a day of the news breaking, our local mosque was hit by an arsonist.  Some of those same readers applauded this hate crime.

To be sure, some individuals use their religion to support violence and oppression of others.  But this is a bastardization of religious intent.  Mohamud is no more representative of Islam than Fred Phelps is of Christianity-- or Hannibal Lector is of meat eaters.
Every major religion has a variation of the golden rule:  Do unto others as you would have them do unto you; and want not for another something you would not want for yourself. 

The Bible tells us: "There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear, because fear involves punishment, and the one who fears is not perfected in love."  The Qu'ran specifically forbids any "compulsion toward religion" and invokes God as the perfection of Loving-Kindness.  Passages in either holy text can be cut and pasted to support individual perversions of the universal Law of Love and encourage violence of many kinds.
It's time we stand up for love, and each other.

If you are in or near Corvallis Tuesday, Nov. 30th, join our community in a vigil of love and against fear.  

 As Mahatma Ghandi said,  "An eye for an eye leaves everybody blind."

Happy Thanksgiving!

I am grateful for clementines and critical thinking, for lichens and literature.   For slow food, good friends, meteor showers, clean water, beautiful Oregon with its valleys, mountains, woods and ocean.    For time with those who passed on.  For my family, the best teacher I ever had.  For history and for the present moment.

For the small, the huge, the concrete and the abstract, I give thanks.

I am so very grateful for community.  Thanks for being part of it.
What are you grateful for?
love,
Jana

OLA, baby!

 

Time to revisit the OLA philosophy:  let's all be the One Less @$$hole we want to see in the world.

It's been a hard week here in Lake SunBeGone.  Cooler temps and the retreat of daylight seems to have some people listless and some more pretty darn cranky.  I find my patience and my trust in the general goodness of others waning.   

But then tonight an old colleague posted the following quote on her Facebook status:

"Just don’t be mean. Being mean never works. Never. So that’s the only rule I can think of that’s worth following in life: don’t be mean." ~ Kate Bornstein

OK-- we get to be part of the problem, or part of the solution.  We can give in to the dreary, join the naysayers, roll up our tender little hearts and tuck them in our pockets, looking out only for Number One Is the Loneliest--

Or we can remember Plato:  "Be kind.  For everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle."

Love it up,

Jana

Song of the day:

 

S.A.D.? Lighten Up!

Someone articulate said something about how we humans are caught in the crossfire of indolence and productivity.  I've crossed over to the dark side on that one, so here's an updated rerun on from two years ago, in tribute to the darkening nights and increase in phone calls we therapists get this time of year.  By the by, Costco has daylight simulators and light therapy boxes on sale this week.  Be sure to check  Dr. Jim Phelps' exceptional thorough discussion on research and information on light and depression.

 The days are darkening here in Corvallis, and it won't be long until what little slanty sun could shine will be thwarted by rain clouds. If you notice yourself getting sleepy, lethargic, or gloomy, you're in good company. Seasonal changes in light have a very real and physiologic effect on mood and energy. Our brains and bodies are set up by evolution to react to long light days with increased energy (work those fields! harvest!) and to cooler, dark days by slowing the system down (sleep! now sleep some more!). Our bodies would be perfectly happy going to bed not long after the sun sets. That probably worked well in days before widespread use of artificial light and 24/7 availability of food and things to do-- but it's unrealistic for most of us now. The result in the split between rapid societal evolution and much slower physiologic evolution can be sleep, energy and mood disorders, including the Oregon State Malady:  Seasonal Affective Disorder.

A light box can address both typical and more drastic results of the effects of waning light on the brain and body. Light boxes produce effects similar to sun exposure and can be used in the morning to assist in wakefulness and mood regulation and in the afternoon to increase energy. Exposure is typically between 15-30 minutes at a regular time each a.m. or early afternoon. To be effective, the light source should be at or above face level, with eyes open (although it is not necessary or recommended to look directly at the light)and within 15-30 inches of the light source. Specific instructions vary according to model. There is a great deal of evidence of effectiveness in the use of light boxes to treat seasonal affective disorder, a type of depression linked to low winter light.

Because they have a real--and sometimes profound-- effect, they are best used according to specific directives based on the particular mood or sleep issues one is experiencing. In some cases, use can increase hypomania (agitation, excess energy, and insomnia among other symptoms). Usually a reduction in the exposure time or moving exposure from am to afternoon  is enough to remedy that. However, I encourage persons considering light therapy to consult their physician or mental health practitioner and have some sort of system in place to track results. Because it isn't completely clear that such intense light exposure is safe over long periods for eyes, light therapy isn't for everyone and the risks as well as benefits should be explored.

I'm a chronically terrible sleeper, and an even worse waker. I noticed that the best sleep I have is when I am camping and rise and go to sleep with the summer sun. Since that time frame is typically also when I rise and wake in the winter, I have found great benefit in the use of a dusk/dawn simulator. The device I use attaches to my bedside lamp and is programmed to turn the (100 watt full spectrum) light down very gradually in the evening and then up again gradually in the morning. I use it from October to May and find I don't even need an alarm clock, as the dawning light creates a gentle alertness over time. I wake up refreshed instead of startled. Research suggests that gradual lightening stimulates a chemical cue to awakening, just as gradual darkness stimulates a chemical cue to drowsiness. I rarely use a light box since I've bought my dawn simulator. They aren't cheap-- mine was $150-- but I find it a bargain for the help it's provided me with sleep and waking.

Meanwhile, if it's a nice day, get out there!The average American is getting LESS than the 20 minutes of sun a day needed by the body to manufacture adequate vitamin D-- that's on a summer day.  In Corvallis, you'd need to be outside during 24 daylight hours to get that daily dose.  The USDA just doubled the RDA; if you are supplementing, they say go for D3 and 800 mg.  Harvard Health suggests 1000 and tells more about the importance of this vitamin, ways to get it, and effects for different populations in their newsletter here.

Resources:

The Office of Dietary Supplements/National Institute of Health FACT SHEET on D.   There's a chart on getting vitamin D from diet.  Trust me, if you aren't taking cod liver oil or drinking a half-gallon of milk a day, you probably won't get it there.

Corvallis's own Linus Pauling Research Center is doing lots of research on D and are big proponents.  Find out what they are on about HERE.

Boston University reseacher and professor Dr. Michael Holick is considered one of the foremost researchers on D; he alerted a nation to links between D deficiency and increased autoimmune diseases and cancer.  He worries our obsession with sunlight protection in the form of sunblocks and clothing is causing a national deficiency.  Remember, no need to tan-- 20 minutes on hands and face in summer is plenty to produce all the D you need.

Quote of the day:  Albert Camus
To correct a natural indifference I was placed half-way between misery and the sun. Misery kept me from believing that all was well under the sun, and the sun taught me that history wasn't everything.

Song of the day (what else):  

Important Message; Please Pass it On

The following is cut and pasted from the good works of Trevor Project:

The Trevor Lifeline

Are you going through a difficult time?  Feeling confused, lonely or blue?  Call us!

Our trained counselors are ready 24/7 to talk to you.  If you’re a young person looking for someone to listen and understand without judgment or if you’re feeling suicidal, please call The Trevor Lifeline now at 866-488-7386. It’s free and confidential.  There is hope, there is help.   [U.S. CALLS ONLY]

TrevorChat

Don't have access to a telephone?  Are you in a location where you are unable to talk?   Are you hearing impared?  Let's chat!

TrevorChat is a free, confidential, secure online messaging service that provides live help through this website.  TrevorChat is only intended to assist those who are not at risk for suicide.  It's available on Friday's between the hours of 1:00 PM Pacific (4 PM Eastern) and 9:00 PM Pacific (12:00 AM Eastern).  Connect with a volunteer who can support you with your concerns and questions.  [U.S. Residents only]  Click here on Friday's to see if an IM session is available.

Connect with others

There are plenty of ways for young people to get involved in spreading the word about The Trevor Project, whether you’re LGBTQ, a straight ally or anywhere in between! Youth are our most important advocates, and you can do a lot to be a “lifeguard” for your peers and create a safe, accepting environment for yourself and your friends.
Learn about the warning signs of suicide and what you can do to help a friend in crisis.
Visit and join TrevorSpace.org, TrevorSpace is a social networking site for lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender and questioning youth ages 13 through 24 and their friends and allies. Join today!

finding mercy in the moment

This has been one of the hardest weeks in my circle I can remember.  Tragedies predictible and unimaginable have shaken those I love.  I have felt shattered and heartsick.

This morning I had an appointment to give blood.  I wanted to cancel it.  I felt literally tapped out.  I thought about Ansel, who needed so many transfusions and went through so much so that he could pack a life into 20 years.  I went.

I came home exhausted from a week of little sleep, with an evening full of things that needed done before bed.  Then I took one last walk to the grocery store.  I could have skipped it, but wanted the time with my friend and neighbor, also hit hard by the week's events.  We talked and planned and mourned together.

The night was beautiful.  The stars so bright, the sky so clear, the air smelling of pines.  The crickets sang in the brush.  And then, right in the middle of this small town, two owls called back and forth, back and forth.  The beauty of it lifted my heart, against my will.

It's not that things are ok.  It's that ok and not ok, beautiful and terrible, exist side by side.  That's life.  That's what makes life bearable.  That and a community of people, willing to listen and love each other even when-- especially when-- the terrible seems in charge.

"Christ, this life of mud and miracles-- it's the prettiest little burden, isn't it..."  --Richard Buckner

May we all sleep well tonight, and know we are loved.
Jana

Grief 101: Guidelines for Witnesses

In memory of Mark, Sept 1965-Sept 2010,  Ansel, Sept 1985-March 2006, and Dave, Aug 1952- July 2002


Rule Number One:  There are no rules.

Everyone grieves differently.  It's an American desire to put a time-line or a formula on grief; to tie it up in a neat little package and put it to bed.  There are some relatively predictable phenomena, as Elizabeth Kubler Ross outlined in her stages of grief writings.  But even these are individualized-- people will bounce back and forth between stages, revisit them at different developmental stages, skip some completely.  Grief is as individual as we are.

That leaves us with guidelines, not rules.  Here are some:

How do you support the grieving? 
However they wish.
Some people need space.  Some need you there.  Sometimes they don't even know what they need.  Just show up, and follow their cues.  Best thing, when possible, is anticipate needs and take care of them, within reason.  Bring food, offer rides and rooms to visitors, leave lists of people family can call to take care of last minute necessities such as errand runs and chores.
Listen without judgment.
People react to the shock of grief in many ways, sometimes many ways within minutes-- laughing, being quiet, crying, reminiscing, being angry at being left. All are "appropriate" in the moment.  Don't push them to talk but don't be afraid of acknowledging what is happening and what they are feeling.  Don't push your agenda on what you think they should be feeling or talking about.
Remember that grief lasts a long time.  The grieving person is usually surrounded by others in the first few days.  It's later when they may really need your help. Acknowledge important events such as anniversaries.  Know that the first year is the first anniversary of everything since the loss-- the first particular season, the first holiday, the first birthday alone.  Let them know they are loved and their loved ones remembered.

A few don'ts:  Don't make them talk if they don't want, or try to force them to accept things they aren't yet ready to think about.  They will talk in their time.  Denial is nature's way of protecting our tender hearts while we are taking in realities that are very difficult.  Give denial room to work.
Don't tell them this is God's will or it was just this person's time unless they are already putting forth their belief in that.  If that comforts you, fine.  It may not be a comfort to them, and may feel like an invalidation of their own natural anger or right to sadness.
If you don't know what to say, just let them know you are there and you love them.
Don't berate yourself for being scared of doing it wrong, facing them in their grief, not knowing what to say.  All this is very common.
Similarly, be mindful that what you say to or do for them is for them, not for you.  What comforts you may not be what they need.
If possible, don't avoid them because it discomforts you.  That's your stuff, and this is a time to put it away to help others who really need you.

In short:  let them know you love them and are there.

Quotes of the day:
To live in hearts we leave behind 
Is not to die.

~Thomas Campbell, "Hallowed Ground"

Oh heart, if one should say to you that the soul perishes like the body, answer that the flower withers, but the seed remains.   --Kahlil Gibran


A dying man needs to die, as a sleepy man needs to sleep, and there comes a time when it is wrong, as well as useless, to resist.  --Stewart Alsop

I shall not die of a cold. I shall die of having lived. --Willa Cather

Poems of the day:

If Death is Kind 

Perhaps if death is kind, and there can be returning, 
We will come back to earth some fragrant night, 
And take these lanes to find the sea, and bending
Breathe the same honeysuckle, low and white.

We will come down at night to these resounding beaches
And the long gentle thunder of the sea, 
Here for a single hour in the wide starlight
We shall be happy, for the dead are free.

--Sara Teasdale 

Gone and Dust

When we have done our

"job",

and left

what will remain of us?

Certainly a statistic,

 and a number,

or maybe if you're lucky

a memory inside a head

or two.

He used a tool

and dug in deep

trying

trying

to leave a mark

that would last longer than

he would.

   --Anselin Reed

Video of the day:  Dave Carter and Tracy Grammer

How to Do Therapy Part Two: Bang for Your Buck

Therapy is expensive.  Insurance helps, if you have it, but the copays and deductibles can be significant.  I grew up frugal and I haven't changed. I want to get, and give, best value.    Psychotherapy is usually much less expensive than medical therapy (I think I paid $350 for 12 minutes with one doctor this year), but it can quickly add up with multiple visits.  Here's ways to make the most of the investment.

First, a disclaimer.  This is how I do therapy, and how I like to get it.   I use a very interactive solution-focused style.   Lots of therapists have different models and these won't apply to all of them, for example, to the practice of long term psychoanalysis.  This isn't meant to suggest those aren't useful modes of treatment; it's just not what I do.

Know what you want.  It helps a lot if you have some global goals and specific objectives for what you want to gain from your therapy work.  Your therapist should be able to help you articulate these, so don't worry about being confused at first or having vague ideas of "being better". You can work on these together.   An example of a goal:  Be happier.  An example of an objective:  increase social support network by spending quality time with two or more people this month.  Goal:  Improve my marriage.  Objective: learn and use two positive communication skills with spouse.  Goal:  Improve health and lose weight.  Objective: reduce emotional eating and decrease daily calorie count.  Goals usually remain constant for the course of the therapy while objectives change as you meet them and move on to new challenges.

Share what you know of yourself as early as you can to help your therapist know how best to work with you.  Some questions to ask yourself:  what's not working for me now?  What's been a historical pattern for me that hasn't served me?  What strengths do I bring to this work?  What learning style works best for me?

Tell the therapist what you don't want.  If you have dyslexia, for example, lots of reading assignments might prove overwhelming.  Maybe you've had a previous therapist and things didn't feel right.  Tell your therapist what you can about what doesn't work for you and why you think that is true.  Your therapist may ask you to trust them to try new things.  If you have real doubts, tell them. 

Do your homework.  Not every therapist gives it.  I do, for several reasons.  First, we get maybe 50-55 minutes together a week (and often I see people much less than weekly).  The main work really needs to happen outside of the session for you to see much change.  Secondly, I have a reason for assigning the homework.  Usually I want you to practice a new skill or gain some new information.  Even if you practice skills in session, that doesn't mean they translate in the rest of your life.  I want to know what works, what doesn't and this is how I find out.  Finally, insight without change is really not that worthwhile.  It doesn't help to label yourself and excuse behaviors that have never worked.  The idea is to find new ways of being in the world that serve you.  By the way, I don't fire clients for not doing homework, or yell at them.  Sometimes I get that you just got busy or distracted.  But if you consistently aren't doing any work outside of session, it's time to look at what that means.   Am I moving too fast?  Have we failed to appreciate the function of the symptom and find a healthier alternative to meet it?  Do we need to include significant others in your life to support the changes?  If you aren't doing the work, explore that with your therapist. 

Similarly, Prepare for your sessions.  Keep a notebook and jot down things that come up during the week you want to address, reactions to homework assignments, questions about the therapy process. Have your copay ready at the beginning of the session so time can be used for therapy, not paperwork. It really helps me if you come in having thought about your session and with some idea of what you want to get out of it.  Don't worry if you feel confused at times about this-- we're used to that.  But when you don't think about your process and therapy except when you are in the office, and wait for the therapist to do all the leading of the session, you just aren't going to get nearly as much out of it.

Ask questions.  This is a partnership in which both of you are working toward your best health.  You are relying on and paying for specialized expertise.  But if you don't understand what your therapist means by a certain comment, why they are suggesting a particular course of treatment, or their motive in asking to see you more/less often, etc.-- just ask.  Similarly:  make comments.  If something feels uncomfortable, if you don't know WHAT you are thinking or feeling-- it's fine to say so.  It's our job to help you figure it out when possible.

If it's not working, talk about it.  It may be a poor fit-- I know, for example, that I am not everybody's cup of tea.  I move and talk fast and some people need a much gentler, more reflective and less active style.  That's not a slam on them or me-- no one can be everyone's everything.  You can always vote with your feet, as psychiatrist Jim Phelps says-- just go to someone else.  But I prefer it, and it's usually helpful to both of us, if we talk about what doesn't seem to be working and either adjust treatment or talk about who might be a better fit.  Also I have found that sometimes just the conversation is enough to clear up misunderstandings about expectations and barriers to change.  

It's pretty common for people to come to a stuck point.  Sometimes it's simply fear about change, or discomfort (believe it or not) with being comfortable.  If you've been in crisis mode for a long time, you may not trust peace.  Sometimes it's time for a break to practice skills.  Sometimes you are just done-- you've done what you came to do, and it's time to stop.  Again, if things seem to be standing still-- talk about it. 


The gist of this is to encourage you to take agency in your therapy work.  You aren't meant to be a passive recipient in this process.  What you bring to the session makes a huge difference and saves you money, and will help you make the changes you are here to make.


If you have additional thoughts, comments are always appreciated.

How to do therapy part one: finding a therapist

Having been on both sides of the therapy couch, I know how anxiety provoking it can be to turn your inner life over to a near/complete stranger.  Here's some tips on finding a good fit.  None of these are guarentees, but it beats throwing a dart at the yellow pages.



1)  Talk to people who've seen them.   You can get some idea of their style-- formal, in-your-face, analytical, practical.  Some therapists are different with different people-- well, most are at least sometimes-- but it's a start. 

2)  Check out their website, if they have one.  It should give you an idea of their therapeutic orientation and demeanor.

3)  Google 'em.  Psychology Today has a "therapy finder" website that has bios and information about rates and insurances accepted.  It's a paid advertising service; not all therapists use it.  There are others as well.  

4)  Ask your MD or another therapist.  They aren't going to know everyone in town, but they aren't going to give you a name of someone they don't trust, either.  Don't be afraid to ask your OB/gyn, pediatrician, dentist-- they've all been asked before.

5)  Call,  or if they have a website/email contact, email. If you are comfortable, give a brief idea of what you're working on and looking for.  It can be discouraging, I know-- you will find most of us are full.  Some of us will still try to offer an idea of someone else you could try.  If we're not full, you'll get a better idea if you're a fit if you can have a brief conversation.  Ask if you can be on a wait list if it's someone you are really hoping to work with.

6)  Ask others who they've heard recommended and why.

7)  Call your insurance company or visit their website.  Some sites will have bios of providers and what they specialize in. They will also only refer you to people they are willing to cover (though copay amounts/limitations will usually apply).

Things to consider:  If you want to use insurance, make sure the therapist you choose accepts your particular plan, and get preauthorization if needed.  It often is. 

If you have limited availability, establish that up front-- most therapists operate like any other professional office, 9-5 M-F.  No sense opening up your entire life story if you can only come in on Saturdays and they can't see you then.



If you've got other tips, please add them in the comment section.

A Sermon on Uncertainty

AIN’T NO MAN RIGHTEOUS-- SITTING IN THE SHADOW OF NOT-KNOWING

Jana Svoboda/ Unitarian Universalist Fellowship of Corvallis/ Aug 21, 2005

Opening words: Poem

If There is the Seed of Something in You

if there is a seed of something in you, and
all you can think is house on a hill,
house on a hill; built by the river and
thank god for the hill-- maybe you
live too close to both safety and danger
to either enlarge or relax. if the
seed needs water, do you resent your choices,
the well you never bothered drilling,
the bucket you let rust? you
look down at the swollen river;
even the river's pregnant, you think,
bursting its confines-- and you, more
like the seed, dry and hard and contained,
but within you some untapped largesse,
something wanting to be wet, and to break open.
from the hill, the river looks dangerous.
you forget that water is just what you need.

                 JLS, May, 2005

In Plan B: Further Thoughts on Faith, spiritual writer and professional neurotic Anne Lamotte begins: “These are desert days… I feel we began witnessing the end of the world in super-slow-mo...and some days it takes everything I can muster not to lose my hope, my faith, and myself.” I relate closely to her fear, and the paralysis that wants to follow it. She takes her fear to a theologian friend and asks, what can I do? He tells her—“left foot, right foot, breathe”. Because sometimes that is all we can do—sit with our uncertainty, and connect—through our breath—with something deeper and more divine. In the desert, Anne writes, we “know” what we should do. Stay out of the sun. Seek shelter, and safety. The desire to go back, to retreat into nostalgia—the pain for home-- is a natural reaction to dangerous and uncertain times. But courage, as the saying goes, is not being without fear—it is doing what needs to be done despite the fear. 

At a workshop with Jungian psychoanalyst and writer James Hollis, he asked us to rank our values.  What did we see as the most important tasks of our lives? I've done this many times.  But then he asked something else: to estimate how much conscious intent we put towards the items at the top of our list. A middle-aged man remarked: “The top of my list is love and growth. But I realize I spend most of my days just trying to avoid discomfort.”

I believe this is true for many of us. And for some, religion becomes a way of doing that. A hope for easy answers, for formulas: if I do this, that will happen. It is both a hope for the illusion of control and predictability, and a retreat from facing in ourselves and the world that which we cannot know. Rabbi Kushner referred to it as “God as Santa Claus”—we follow the rules, we get the goodies. 

James Hollis talks about these competing agendas living with in us: the drive for growth and actualization, and that for regression-- the wish for “the confident hubris of youth”, and for the familiar and the comfortable. When the desire to go home, to go unconscious prevails, “we will choose not to choose, to rest easy in the saddle, remain amid the familiar and the comfortable, even when it is stultifying and soul-denying… Each morning the twin gremlins of fear and lethargy sit at the foot of our bed and smirk. Fear of the unknown, the challenge of largeness intimidates us back into our convenient rituals.” But he admonishes us: “To be recurrently intimidated by the task of life is a form of spiritual annihilation.”

Hollis continues: “The recovery of personal authority is a daily task imposed upon all of us by the soul. It means to find what is true for oneself and live it in the world. If it is not lived... we abide in what Sartre calls “bad faith, the theologian calls sin the therapist calls neurosis. Respectful of the rights and perspectives of others, personal authority is neither narcissistic nor imperialistic. It is a humble acknowledgment of what wishes to come through us.”  It is also the maturity of realizing we don’t have all the answers. We don’t even have all the questions. “...from this encounter with our limitations the wisdom of humility comes: to know that we do not even know what we do not know.”

And yes—dealing with this will make you anxious. Coming forward always does. Kierkegaard said: move away from what makes you depressed, and toward what makes you anxious. The former is to regress. The latter—scary as it is to leap into unfamiliar territory—is growth.

In Plan B, Lamotte says: “In my experience, there is a lot to be said for desperation. Not exactly a bright side, but something expressed in the word formed by one of the the acronyms for the names of God—gifts of desperation. The main gifts is give up the conviction that you are right, and that God thinks so too, and hates the people who are driving you crazy. And this forces you to listen deeper, with your heart.” This is where we come up with wisdom, instead of information. 

If we are students, and we really want to learn something, it’s best not to steal and memorize the answers-- BBACACC. That’s not knowledge. It’s certainty—but it’s not wisdom. Unitarians have accepted that task as a foundation of our principals: the individual search for truth and meaning. But it’s not unique to us.

Buddhists teach it:
“Do not believe in anything simply because you have heard it. Do not believe in anything simply because it is found in written in your religious books. Do not believe in anything merely on the authority of your teachers and elders. But when after observation and analysis, you find anything that agrees with reason, and is conducive to the good and benefit of one and all, then accept it and live up to it.” (from the Kalama Sutra)

And Daoists:

“A tree that is unbending is easily broken. The hard and strong will fall. The soft and yielding will overcome.” -- Tao te ching, 76.

And Confucians:

“To learn and never think—that’s delusion”. Analects 2.15 

The Koran states:

"Do not accept any information unless you verify it for yourself.  I have given you hearing, the eyesight, and the brain, and you are responsible for using them."  Koran 17.36.

Christians, at least in the early church, agreed:

"Test everything. Hold fast to what is good".  I Thessalonians 5.21

But when times get scary, we regress. Like children, we look for external authority. Benedictine Sister Joan Chissiter writes: “We suckle ourselves on clear or comfortable answers because we fear to ask the questions that make the real difference to the quality and content of our souls. The spiritual life begins when we discover that we can only become spiritual adults when we go beyond the answers, beyond the fear of uncertainty, to that great encompassing mystery of life that is God.” Uncertain times are nearly always accompanied by a rise in fundamentalism, and I see it happening now. We divide into us and them, good and bad. This tendency to split, present since birth, becomes urgent. 

Writer and Buddhist Nun Pema Chodrin quotes one of her spiritual teachers, who said, “"The essence of bravery is being without self-deception.” Pema’s favorite mantra is “"Om, grow up!" It takes great courage to meet life on life's terms and accept responsibility for our actions. "To stay with that shakiness -- to stay with a broken heart, with a rumbling stomach, with the feeling of hopelessness and wanting to get revenge-- that is the path of true awakening. Sticking with that uncertainty, getting the knack of relaxing in the midst of chaos, learning not to panic-- that is the spiritual path." It’s also about the very Adult goal of accepting reality and letting go of attempts to control it. Anne Lamotte puts that into her spiritual practice with her morning prayer of “Whatever”, and her evening prayer of “Oh Well.”

Thomas Moore said: “You cannot do good by thinking of yourself as good. You have to sink into the complexities and go down far enough into life that you realize that it is not even good to be good. To do what others may judge as bad may be the best you can do.” (Here I am thinking Rosa Parks). “Certainly you have to admit to your moral ignorance in many matters. Can any one be certain in every design they are doing the right thing?...

Religion often avoids the dark by hiding behind platitudes and false assurances. Avoidance and defense are not the true purpose of religion. It shouldn’t whisk you away from daily challenges but offer an intelligent way of dealing with all the complexity involved.” 

Another Jungian thinker uses the story Jekyll and Hyde to illustrate. Jack Sanford writes: “Striving for a pure goodness results in a pose or self-deception about goodness, a persona. Dr Jekyll had a very big persona and believed in it completely, but wasn’t really good and became compulsive about expressing Hyde. He went to religion, not to find God, but as protection against his own Hyde. Religion often attracts persons struggling to exorcise the shadow rather than understand and make peace with it but what we cannot see in ourselves, we cannot forgive in others.” When otherness takes over, evil takes root.

Jung said “I would rather be whole than good.” Before we ate the apple, we were a thoughtless people. We were a GOOD people, but not by choice. We were thoughtless.

Christianity has seen evil as something that destroys the soul-- but originally the tradition recognized we carried both, and the Bible said —“For the good that I would, I do not; but the evil which I would not do, that I do.” Knowing we are capable of evil and no different helps us to choose. It also helps us to understand that “Ain’t No Man Righteous”, as Bob Dylan says. And if that’s true, we are all in this together. Being without self-deception, and seeing our own capacity for evil, we then can responsibly manage it rather than act it our or project it into the world. When we don't accept our contradictions, we act them out. When we turn away from our true natures-- even those we are uncomfortable with-- we are asking others to act them out for us.

Part of the work is in learning to sit with our discomfort without reaction. To just be with it. if we are lonely, to be lonely. If we are angry, to see our anger. Not to feel we have to manage it, do something with it, or even change it. When we are sad and someone starts to tell us all we have to be happy about, we feel compelled to defend our sadness, and explain why they are wrong. The shadow must have that same instinct of self-preservation. Perhaps the battle is in befriending it. Not feeding it, but not turning away from it either. Just sitting with it. Like Jesus sitting with the sinners. 

Given the burden and gift of thinking and choice, we may want to regress to certainty. We are pattern-seekers. We want to know. But often knowing, or thinking we know, prevents us from seeing what is truly there. There is a Buddhist sutra that says: Protect me from the disaster of my own thinking. Realizing we don’t have all the answers may prevent us from uninformed decisions, or worse yet, stuckness in our thinking. We need to allow ourselves the bravery of loosening our grip on what we believe to be true to find even deeper questions. Maybe, in sitting with the mystery we’ll find what for us is true. 

Closing Words: Rilke, from letters to a young poet.

Have patience with everything that remains unsolved in your
heart. Try to love the questions themselves, like
locked rooms and like books written in a foreign language.
Do not now look for the answers. They cannot now be given
to you because you could not live them. It is a question
of experiencing everything. At present you need to live the question.
Perhaps you will gradually, without even noticing it,
find yourself experiencing the answer, some distant day.