Kenny Swann: you are ENOUGH. January 28 tiny resolution.

Kenny Swann is another of my unmet friends: an openhearted, social justice loving Christian--sort of like Jesus in that regard, though he would be fully embarrassed by the comparison.  He's brave in the way Jesus was too-- standing up for what is right, not just what is culturally acceptable in the moment. He walks his talk, and inspires me to try to be a better human.  I "met" Kenny through the stories he shared on my Tennessee cousin's social media page.  And boy, does he tell a good story.  He needed some encouragement to guest on this blog.  I am so glad he did.  ---jls

You Are Enough!

A little over a year ago, I made my first trip to Haiti.

I was wrecked. I never knew and maybe never even cared that a world like that existed. After my first trip through the city of Jeremie, my initial reaction was that the best thing for Haiti might require a bulldozer and a start over.

But then I got out of the bus. I discovered a wonderful and loving people with the same desire for a better life for their children that I had. I also discovered that the greatest commodity of any people is HOPE. Hope is hard to come by in a third world country.

One day when a young girl was looking at our pictures on our cell phone, she saw a picture of Santa Claus (they call him Papa Noel in Haiti). She knew who he was, but told us that Papa Noel did not care about Haiti because he never came there. Out of this an idea was born.

I must confess that I am blessed in my old age with a little girth. But I have never grown a beard. So on February 2, 2014 , this Papa started his beard. And on December 14, 2014, Papa Noel went to Haiti!

THE TRIP WAS AMAZING! And I learned two things that I would like to share. I like to call these things ENOUGH.

FIRST: In a land of absolutely NO Santas, ONE Santa is enough. My beard was scraggly, and because I am fat, I had to wear a cooling jacket under a Santa suit in 100 degree weather. Our first visit was in a little place called Bon Bon at an orphanage with 75 kids. After thirty minutes, our number of children swelled to about 300 and they chased our bus for about a mile after we left, shouting and laughing. The length of my beard or the fact that my suit was wet didn't seem to matter.

I learned that even you though you might not be the best bringer of joy, hope, love and laughter, you may well be the only one that some will ever see. So you are ENOUGH! Bring it with all your heart.

SECOND: You have ENOUGH!

On our last night we had a stopover in a rescue orphanage in Port Au Prince. We were only there to eat, sleep and catch a plane the next day. In the course of our meal, a wonderful lady named Miriam Frederick told us about how this place had come to be. They were a rescue orphanage with regular orphans, abused orphans and handicapped orphans. Her heart was heavy because a group had been scheduled to bring Christmas to the children, but had cancelled because of unrest and riots in Haiti.

Our group leader told her we had half a Papa Noel (I had left my pants in Jeremie...long story!) and no candy, but we were willing to do our best after evening devotion was over.  Another group with us at devotion that night had brought some candy canes.  When we took a count, just as in the Bible story of the Loaves and Fishes, we had EXACTLY the right number of candy canes. And so it came to be:  a half-suited Papa Noel with just enough candy shared what may well be the best Christmas he and the children ever had.

You may not be the best equipped, but never doubt in a world of need the love you bring is enough!

I don't know your station in life. I don't know your faith. I don't know your willingness. What I do know is in a world that is short on Joy, Love, Peace and Understanding ....You are ENOUGH to bring these things to others!   

                                                          ---Kenny Swann, Tennessee, January 2015

P.S. Just in case you would like to know:
Miriam Frederick
New Life Children's Home
PO Box 6462
Lake Worth Fl. 33466
"Love has no borders"

Anna Coffman on Finding Love in the Difficult: Tiny Resolutions January 25, 2015

Editor's note:  German-born Anna Coffman has led many lives in one.  Formerly a succesful software engineer, she answered a heart's call of practical compassion, leading to her current work in nursing, hospice care and as a facilitator of rites of passage using nature as a teacher.  She is a Zen Buddhist practicioner and leads retreats and spiritual work.  I was a beneficiary of a workshop in which she shared her deep wisdom of the healing power of the natural world.  You can learn more about Anna at her website:  http://www.journey-home.net/.  

The piece below came out of her recent visit to the a holy and wholy terrifying place:  the camps where millions of Jews, gays, Roma and other marginalized people lost their lives.  Somehow, even in this dark  and sad space, Anna found room for love. The card she made after this visit sits by my computer, and I often gaze at it whie I write.  Please take it upon yourself to accept Anna's challenge. 

this life of mud and miracles

It's been a horrific week on the planet, hasn't it?
A woman asked me tonight how I was "processing the events in Boston."  An honest question-- the quotes aren't meant to imply less.  And my answer, like my process, was not very articulate.  I was in horror that day.  I had been sucked for a time into a familiar narrative about inhumanity.  And later in the day, I felt collapsed to read about the dozens killed in bombings in Iraq, and then worried about friends on the Iran/Pakistan border who'd suffered through a major earthquake, and the dozen or more my own government had killed via video-game-like drone strikes.  Such suffering exists!  And ours no less real than those of our brethren in a dozen other countries.

I look at the faces of the young men, one younger than my own son, who apparently caused this great suffering.  I feel such sorrow, and yes, compassion.  What could drive someone to see life as so meaningless, to be able to make another human-- someone's sister, daughter, father, son?-- so anonymous?

 It's easy to hate.  And lazy.  We want to see ourselves as different, above-- and this arrogance leads us to cheapen the lives of others.

A long story led me to a more worldly understanding.  After losing one of my senses, I worked hard to develop another that was lagging.  I joined a world photo diary coordinated by artist Wolf Nkolze Helzle of Germany.  Through it, I "met" friends from far away-- from Pakistan, Finland, Iraq, Indonesia.  The world became smaller, and foreigners-- less foreign.   An earthquake in Karachi, terrorism in Iraq, relentless winter in Germany became as unsettling as random violence in the US.  Good, or bad, this extra kinship?  Well, both, of course.  More love equals more responsibility.  We all are in this (little planet) together.  And through these friendships it's even clearer that we are all so much more alike than different.  We love, we suffer, we get defended and weary.  We try to simplify the complications that mark each human journey by applying false formulas of "us" and "them", and then, if we can bear being open and suffering with (com-passion),  we see that we are just-- we. 

It's easier to shut down.  To not care, to not look or see, to pretend that somehow our pain or longings or love is more real than someone who lives far away, and thanks a different or no God.  Can we sit with that desire without succumbing to it?  Forgive ourselves for our smallness and still find the energy to enlarge? 

Chekhov said " Happy families are all alike; every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way." I don't buy it.  If we feel, we feel it all, suffering and happiness.  Pretending a divide lessens us all.

As a closing note:  I am thinking so much about the terrible losses and deaths in West, TX this week, many of whom were first responders to an industrial fire that became an explosion.  Their story was lost in the wake of the Boston bombings and aftermath.  If you know a first responder-- a firefighter, EMT, police officer etc--  let them know you appreciate their service.

Now go out there and drown hate with your love.
Jana

PS:  The title is taken from a beautiful song by Richard Buckner.  "How this life from mud to miracles/It's the prettiest little burden isn't it?"

Sermon: "The People That Scare Us: Getting Beyond Tolerance"

Every once in a while, I give a sermon at the local UU, usually on some topic I've been thinking about a lot the previous months.  If you've read my blog before, you might recognize a few of the lines in this sermon-- I was on the tail end of a nasty virus, and company from out of town, so I cheated a little and lifted a bit from previous entries.

It was a delightful morning.  My friend Chareane had graciously agreed to be the supporting speaker and do the opening and closing words and the meditation.  Chareane is my personal inspirational hero.  After raising kids, she's taken up accordian, mastered ceramics, and learned salsa.  Although I knew she'd do a fine job, she completely rocked a reading of Maya Angelo and quotes from Malcolm X and the bible.  When I expressed my admiration, she said she'd been taking a class on "the teacher as performer".  Wow.  What a life-long learner she is.

Friend, fiddler and vocalist Willeke Frankzerda had been the musical guest at my last sermon two years ago, where she brought the congregation to tears.    At 13, her voice and artistry has blossomed even more.  She has a pure and beautiful voice and presence.  It was an amazing performance, and even more remarkable since she had returned only hours before from traveling in Idaho and California at fiddle camps.

Here's the sermon if you'd like to read it. Wish I could include the video of Chareane and Willeke.  I am truly blessed to have such talented friends.

THE PEOPLE THAT SCARE US:  MOVING BEYOND TOLERANCE

Jana Svoboda; Unitarian Universalist Fellowship of Corvallis, July 10^th, 2011

Opening Words:  (read by Chareane Wimbley-Gouveia.):  "We need more light about each other. Light creates understanding, understanding creates love, love creates patience, and patience creates unity."   — Malcolm X

Opening Song:  “Soul Meets Body”, by Death Cab for Cutie, performed (vocals and violin) by Willeke Idzerda

(Audience participation music:  “Hail to the Chief “ as introit to UU ATTACK AD)

(with movie-trailer voice-over voice)

“Unitarianism:  Is it a cult?

YAHOO says yes.  At least that was the best answer, chosen out of many, to one man’s concern about his children’s exposure to UU beliefs.  “Pagans can worship next to Christians who can worship next to wiccans who can worship next to atheists or whatever.”  

Do we really want our children exposed to “whatever” worship?

Not scared yet?  Try this on for size:  Unitarians, who gave up the Ten Commandments for the Seven Strongly Held Suggestions, think YOUR CHILDREN should THINK FOR THEMSELVES.  Don’t believe it?  It’s right there, Number 4 in their little pocket brochure:

“A free and responsible search for truth and meaning.”

Free?  Then what is that basket they send around during the service?  

But wait—there’s more.  And don’t just take it from me—here’s a response from a SELF-PROFESSED Unitarian:

“We take ‘The inherent worth and dignity of every person" seriously. That means even if he is black, white, brown, red or yellow; even if he is poor, or gay, even if she is a lesbian or homeless, or she used to be a man, or he stammers because he has an IQ of 140 trapped in an 80-year old body that suffered some strokes, or her legs don't work. ‘

Got it?  ANYBODY can attend.  These people have  NO STANDARDS WHATSOEVER  as to who can sit in the pew and worship.  Mixing it up right there with YOUR CHILDREN.

Another cultist gave this response, which I’d say speaks for itself:

“Ours is one of the most difficult religions to put into practice. We are charged to seek the truth, not just sit passively and accept blindly that one small group has a corner on the truth because they say so.”

What kind of UNI-VARIBLE is that?

And how about THIS?

Number 6 in the UU agenda:  The goal of world community with peace, liberty, and justice for all.  If you thought the GAY AGENDA was scary—well, there’s a word for No. 6.  

COMMUNISM.

 “WHATEVER” WORSHIP.  NO STANDARDS.  “DIFFICULT”.  

Is THIS what we want for our impressionable youth?

UU: Mixing it up in pews in YOUR town.”

------------

Homily:

That ad was a farce.  You knew that, right?  But if you watched any television during the fall, it may have sounded familiar—because it was based on the political ads from recent elections.

Welcome and thank you for joining us on this beautiful summer day in your individual searches for truth and meaning—one of the seven principles serving as the foundation for the UU faith.  Though plain and straightforward in language, these tenets are anything but easy in practice.  Today’s sermon is about three other UU prinicples:  The inherent worth and dignity of every person, justice, equity and compassion in human relations, and the goal of world community with peace, liberty and justice for all.  In other words, getting rid of the concept of the “other” and getting to WE.

Who could argue ?

Frankly, plenty of people.

The history of Unitarianism is one of being the Other, in Europe during a conservative Christian time.  Many of the founders were put to death as heretics because of the threatening ideas they espoused, such as thinking for oneself, without relying on an external, appointed spiritual authority.  As recently as 2008, Unitarians in Knoxville were murdered by a man who stated he had targeted t the church because of its liberal beliefs.

So Unitarians should know something about being an “other.”  

But we’re human, and humans when scared start to batten down into either/or thinking.   We go to that “You’re with us, or you’re against us” place.  We slip into our reptilian brains, especially if we think our piece of the pie is up for grabs and we may not be the only one in line.  

Last year,  I had a terrible dream.  There had been a murder in an area I was vacationing, and when I came back from hiking to the home where I was staying, the door was ajar. The house was ok, but as I went to secure the back door, the murderer came in, and made clear his intent to harm me.  At some point I remembered what I did for a living, and started talking him down, buying time.  I'll spare you the long winded details, but what was interesting to me in the dream was that as we talked, and I listened to him with genuine curiosity and compassion, he grew smaller and smaller, and I realized I didn't need to fear him at all.

Jung says dreams come to us in service of of Psyche, as letters from the unconscious.  My webmaster pal Hal might say some dreams come in reaction to the pastrami we had for dinner.  This particular dream may have been symptomatic of too much CNN.  But since I'd seen Don Quixote in Ashland the previous weekend-- well, I saw a different possibility.  It seemed a representation of how our fears can become gigantic, hold us hostage.  How they can cause us much more trouble than they are actually capable of inflicting, with our help.  And about how when we face them, with curiosity and compassion, they shrink and lose their power. 

Even those who consider themselves exceptionally open-minded can get drawn into “other-ism”.  It only takes a name drop.  Michelle Bachman.  Sarah Palin.  Newt.  O’Reilly.  As Anne Lamott put it,  “You can safely assume you’ve created God in your own image when it turns out that God hates all the same people you do.”

That’s not how I want to be.  I don’t like it.  I can fall into it, but I don’t like it.  

When my oldest daughter was quite a bit younger, she would skip into rants about people who she found difficult, intolerant, un-justice-fiable.  I would get after her for her tone, her intolerance. 

This week we talked about that.  She’s dating a Muslim, and it led to a conversation about learning about the Other.   She said, “You know how you always said to me, don’t speak hatefully, even in jest, because it puts more hate out there in the world? “

“ Did I ever tell you how when Leigh and I moved in together, and both our boyfriends moved to Japan that same month,  so we fake-hated Japan because it was an outlet?  And it was all a big joke, until one day I was at Safeway and this Asian woman walked by and I automatically went UGH and sneered?  And I was like WOAH!  What the HELL?”

“And yeah, I thought you were full of BS growing up.  But that moment I got it.  I really got it.  And now I try to practice that.  It isn’t just that we should speak well because we don’t want to offend others, but because it really does shape the way we view the world, and I think this is a very important piece of the puzzle.” 

She’s right.  The software—speech—informs the hardware—thinking.  The more that we accept that Other-ism is a reasonable way to think, or just practice it thoughtlessly, the more it ingrains and shapes us.

And there are so many ways to be an other.  Even though we are so genetically similar that the concept of race no longer makes any biological sense (that’s a whole other sermon, but ask me for references),  there are millions of ways to be different.  Even “identical” twins show subtle variations in their genes due to minor, spontaneous mutations occurring during gestation.  

 That’s in our genetic interest, because these differences will sometimes be adaptable to environmental and socio-political differences occurring at the time.  So the anxious person, hyper-alert to tiny details in their environment, will anticipate and avoid threats their fearless brethren will not--  and the fearless will leave the safety of home to seek food and opportunity when home cannot provide them.  Sometimes these variations are boons for a few generations and then become hindrances.  Long ago, a few African children’s blood developed a strange sickle shape to some blood cells, providing protection from a plague that would have killed them before reproductive age.   That’s not as handy when life spans double, other options for Malaria protections are found, and the blood change results in a post-reproductive but early death.

Other-ness covers all sorts of variables.  Hair color--  did you know that only 1-2% of the world’s population is red-headed?  Skin color.  Politics.  Religion.  Philosophies.  Class values and differences, socio-economic circumstance.   Gender, including all the blends within.  Learning ability.  Education.  Sexuality.  Age.  Physical challenges and variants.    And it’s not only the underdogs that get “othered”.  As a clumsy, bookwormish nerd kid whose family never owned a new car or went to Disneyland, I was skeptical and frankly prejudiced against jocks and rich people.  

That’s a telling point, because prejudice tells us much more about ourselves than those we believe to be the other.   It’s often our shadow stuff emerging.  For those of you unfamiliar, therapist and philosopher Carl Jung spoke of our Shadow as being all the parts of ourselves or our conceptions we felt were unacceptable or disallowed.  And we either fear is part of us, or wish we could have a little part of.  A poster boy of shadow stuff was Ted Haggard, former prayer partner to Bush/leader of the Evangelical Association of the US and a ringleader in the anti-gay rights movement last decade.  He was busted in 2006 by a gay man, whom he’d paid for sex for several years.  Although he was declared “completely heterosexual” after some initial therapy, he’s recently come out as bisexual.  If he’d been able to admit it initially, Colorado might have not passed its anti-gay initiatives.   

Think of it like this:  you are in a body of water, brushing your arm along the surface, when your elbow hits an icecube and breaks.  Why?  It’s because you’ve bumped up against something big, deep and dangerous in yourself you’ve not dealt with.  When we have an iceberg reaction to the other—there is work we need to do.  And our personal work becomes community work.  Because it ripples out.  The collective conscious needs to be:  CONSCIOUS.  Of what we are putting out there.  And how it effects the world we claim to want to live in.

How do we mend our separations?  By remembering that we are all, as some author put it, looking at the same world through separate, tiny little lenses—and thinking we have the same view.  To enlarge the view, stretch your vision.  We’re scared of what we don’t know.  And when we align ourselves only with like minds, we reinforce the belief we are the norm.  Research on dealing with fear tells us the best way to reduce fear is through exposure.  Kierkegaard put it this way—to grow, move toward what makes you anxious.  Expand, don’t contract.

Which leads to this challenge, offered by Omega Institute founder Elizabeth Lesser:  TAKE THE OTHER TO LUNCH.  

 (The following are direct excepts from the talk, available here:  http://www.ted.com/talks/elizabeth_lesser_take_the_other_to_lunch.html)

She goes on to say:  “I’m deeply disturbed by the ways in which all of our cultures are demonizing the other—by the voice we are giving to the most divisive among us.”

“Listen to these titles of some of the best selling books from both sides of the political divide here in the US:  Liberalism is a Mental Disorder.  Rush Limbaugh is a Big Fat Idiot.  Patriotics and Pinhead.  Arguing with Idiots.  ….They’re supposedly tongue in cheek, but they’re actually dangerous.”

“Now here’s a title that may sound familiar, but whose author may surprise you:  'Four and a Half Years of Struggle Against Lies, Stupidity and Cowardice'.  Who wrote that? That was Adolph Hitler’s first title for Mein Kamph, My Struggle,  the book that launched the Nazi Party.”

“The worst eras in human history, whether in Cambodia or Germany or Rwanda, they  start like this, with negative otherizing, and then they morph, into violent extremism.”

So who is the other?

Lesser says:  “Anyone whose lifestyle frightens you or whose point of view makes smoke come out of your ears”.  

Take someone to lunch.  Get to know one person from a group you may have negatively stereotyped. Let them know what you’re up to.  Use her guidelines: Don’t persuade, defend or interrupt.  Be curious, be conversational, be real, and listen.

I’d add:  make it your goal not to “tolerate” them, but to KNOW THEM. To understand them.

Try her three questions:  “ Share some of your life experiences with me.  What issues deeply concern you?  And what have you always wanted to ask someone from the other side?”

We are ALL somebody else’s OTHER.  Lesser quotes the wise words of Mother Theresa:   “The problem of the world is we draw the circle of our family too small.”

I hope you take this challenge very, very personally.  And as Gandhi says, become part of the change you wish to see in the world.  I look forward to hearing your stories.

Music:  Mother Nature’s Son, John Lennon/ Paul McCartney, performed (violin, vocals) by Wileke Frankzerda.  

Meditation:  We The People, by Maya Angelo, read by Chareane Wimbley- Gouviea

Closing Words, from the Book of Hebrews:  Let brotherly love continue. Do not neglect to show hospitality to strangers, for thereby some have entertained angels unawares. Remember those who are in prison, as though in prison with them, and those who are mistreated, since you also are in the body.  

"Darkness cannot put out darkness; only light can do that." MLK

  

     Last night I was doing my geek thing, surfing weather blogs. I wanted to see what meteorologist Jeff Masters, founder of Wunderground.com, had to say about the spate of terrible and unusual April tornadoes that had resulted in enormous destruction across several states.  I'd had a cancellation the week before, just as major storms were breaking out in the southern states.  It was horrifying to watch the biggest tornado I'd ever virtually seen form before my eyes on a chaser site (severestudios.com)-- a monster storm poised right on top of Tuscaloosa.  Hours later my father and I watched the same tornado come into Birmingham.  We were seeing what was clearly at least an F4, and knew that meant many lives would be lost.  
     Instead of the usual post-storm deconstruction, there was weird chatter about something big about to break on U.S. news.  No one knew yet what it was-- something involving Obama, the CIA-- but even before it broke, people were guessing it was Bin Laden.  And it was.  It leaked before the official presidential announcement.  And on the news channel, people, mostly young, crowded the Capitol Hill mall, waving flags, screaming and shouting in celebration at the news of Bin Laden's assassination. It was a happy party scene. If the sound or subtitling was off, you might have mistaken it for an enthusiastic crowd at a rock concert.
     Meanwhile, back in my little burg, recently named the safest US city from natural disaster, and just a few years after being named the safest town from crime, the headlines were focusing on a different story.  A young man had stabbed his one year old baby and the baby's mother, killing both.
     The 20 year old had come here as an exchange student as a teen.  During his stay he fell in love with a local girl. They were good students, and after graduation began studies at a local college.  By all accounts the two were shining lights--- loved, gentle, loving.   When she unexpectedly became pregnant, both appeared to devote themselves to the task of bearing and raising their child.  And the community surrounded  them with support.  But there were apparently problems in the relationship.  According to local news reports, she broke things off a few weeks ago.  He became despondent.
     I don't have inside information.  I don't know what despondent felt like for him.  But I do know crazy.  And by that I mean the twisted kind of thinking one can have when either through genetics or circumstance it feels as if the world has narrowed to one sharp and unbearable point.  What I do know from the news is that he decided to kill them all.  That he reports thinking they would then all be together in the afterlife.  And that he successfully carried out two-thirds of his plan.   He called 911 after the slitting of his wrists did not result in his own death. thinking he could get the police to finish what he could not.  Something in this boy was broken, and it resulted in much harm.
    I don't know if what follows will make sense to anyone.  But somehow all of this feels linked to me-- the horrific impact of the storms in the South, the celebration of a death of an enemy, and the loss of three (yes three, because there can be no good ending for this young man now) lives for no reason I can begin to understand.  And it is the second time in several weeks our community has had to try and fathom how someone everyone believed to be good and loving could commit such atrocities.
    How is it linked?  Because all of these events are tragic, and none have tidy explanation.  Because in each  I have watched unfolding rushes to judgment from media commenters.
    In the cases of the tornadoes:  multiple writers talked about this being God's judgment.  The result of abortion being legal, or tolerance of homosexuality.  I have lived in the South, and trust me, if you are looking for the churched and the God-fearing, you are going to find it there.  Why on Earth God would pick Alabama to unleash wrath is completely beyond me.  Vegas, maybe.  But Birmingham?
   In the case of the young man, there was an ugly flood of racism, rants about immigration (may I remind us that we are a NATION of immigrants?)  and immediate calls for the accused to be hung or shot.  I understand that people are reacting to the bare facts of the crime, and it is a horrific crime.  But I recoil from the early mob mentality, and especially to the calls for more violence.
     Similarly, while I don't mourn the death of Osama, neither am I inclined to celebrate it.  For me, Bin Laden's death is one punctuation mark in a very sad chapter of world history.  I don't know that I feel safer.  I don't know that it was worth the 5885 American soldiers now dead from the wars in  Iraq and Afghanistan.  The 100,000 plus civilian deaths in Iraq alone.  All I can think is every single one of those dead was someone's baby.  
     Martin Luther King Jr said: "I'm concerned about a better world.  I'm concerned about justice; I'm concerned about brotherhood; I'm concerned about truth.  And when one is concerned about that, he can never advocate violence.  For through violence, you may murder a murderer, but you can't murder murder.  Through violence you may murder a liar, but you can't establish truth.  Through violence you may murder a hater, but you can't murder hate.  Darkness cannot put out darkness; only light can do that."
     And I do love the soldiers. Those who have been called up and served two, three, four times for a war even some of them don't get.   I work with them, with their families, with their injured brains and their daddy/mommy lonesome children and their sleepless nights.  And while I admire their bravery, their reality just plain sucks.  There is no prettier words I can find.
   We want easy explanations, simple arithmetic.  We want to subscribe to the Just World Theory:  that if we are good, good things will happen to us, and that only bad people can do bad things.  But life, and especially people, are way more complicated than that.  In these last six months it seems I have seen more examples of this than I have in a dozen years.  Shit happens, as they say, and it certainly doesn't pick those most deserving.  So how do we make sense of it?
     I'll work on that one another day.
     In the mean time, listen to Plato:  "Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle."
---------------

Resolution #30: Resist Reactivity

I got to Oregon indirectly.  I fell in love with the Willamette Valley while visiting a hospitalized friend many, many years ago.  He'd been severely injured in an auto accident.  I stayed a few weeks as he drifted in and out of coma and slowly began his recovery from a traumatic brain injury.  I knew then that this was where I wanted to live.  He came to visit us a few years after we moved here, long after his accident.  We went to eat at  Nearly Normal's, a local restaurant.  It was an appropriate choice.  During the meal we talked about our lives over the ensuing years.  When I told him a funny story, his laughter filled the room. When I talked about hardships, so did his tears.  His intense reactions were so unusual that a waiter came to ask him if everything was all right.  He replied earnestly:  "Don't worry, it's just brain damage."

A common sequela of brain injury is a "emotional disinhibition", or lack of  squelching of our full emotional range.  But the truth is, there's a big variation in individual emotional expression.  Some of us are pretty contained.  Our ecstatic and our distressed don't look all that different.  Maybe I shouldn't say "us" here-- I have a much larger range.  Think of it like singing-- some people have a musical range (distance between the lowest and highest note they can sing) of maybe an octave and a half.  Others may have four, even five.  Everything in between is pretty much average. 

Back to our subject.  Our emotional reactivity-- or range-- can get us in big trouble.  If we underreact to important things (think denial, numbness), we get in trouble.  But more often, it is our over-reaction that causes harm.  We think the worst and suffer in advance about consequences that never happen.  We are sure we cannot withstand discomfort than in hindsight we barely remember.

Here's the visual I use with clients.   I call it the Drama Dial.   Think of a meter like the top 50% of a clock.  Imagine it divided into thirds.  On the left side is numbness, coldness, deadness.  But when we are dysregulated, we are usually way over on the far third.  We feel crazy, anxious, fiery.  Our thoughts and behaviors are impulsive and disorganized. Our goal at this time should be to get back to the middle.  I picture the Dalai Lama, with his incredibly peaceful smile.  He looks like a bomb could go off and he would say-- hmm, that was loud.

The goal is that sort of compassionate observation, without reactivity. 

And this is the vision.  To get to Door Number Two, that place in the middle where we can with calm curiosity look at the messes we are making.  And we can decide on new paths. 

When you are thinking of making changes in your life, and are filled with dread and discomfort, imagine yourself dialing things back down.  Imagine you are the eye in the hurricane, watching all the fearsome action but filled with still and quiet.  Observe your narrative about your fears of change, your clinging to Known.  Like the Dalai Lama, look at yourself with total love and compassion.  Forgive yourself for the disasters of your emotional thinking and open your heart to the possibility of positive change.

One to go!
Many, many thanks to you who have written comments about this 31 day journey.  They have lifted my spirit and kept me moving.
Jana
Today's vid:

Resolution #14: Accept Yourself

You knew this was coming, right?
We started with the easy stuff.  Accept small unpleasant realities.  Accept your emotions and thoughts. Accept differences in others.  Accept that you can't know everything/the future.
Those were training wheels.
Today's challenge is to work on accepting yourself, with all your present strengths and limitations.  Accept that like every other human being, you have inherent worth and dignity.  Accept that you are no exception to the idea that nobody's perfect, and that you should treat yourself as you believe others should be treated. Accept that you have feet of clay, and a perfectly luminous soul inside of an imperfectly human carrier.

Entering this practice does not mean we abdicate our morals, growth or right intentions.  It means accepting that sometimes we are hitting the mark, and sometimes we are missing it, and we are still worthy as long as we are willing to accept our mistakes, misunderstandings, lack of knowledge; as long as we are willing to make amends and keep trying.  Or maybe that even when we feel we can't keep trying, we are still worthy of love, of redemption.

Our human journey (and I am very probably repeating myself) is like moving toward a lighthouse.  We are being guided to a good place, and if we stumble in the dark, it is important to reorient ourselves to the light.  We don't necessary get all the way to the lighthouse, but if we follow that path, we are heading in the right direction.

Keep on truckin',
Jana

Related reading:  Radical Self-Acceptance by Tara Brach
Today's video:  It's a long one.  It's worth it.  Come back when you have time, or find it on TED.com