Sporadic photos and notes from a Psyche-midwife, cheerleader, anthropologist--aka clinical social worker in therapy practice. Photos are usually mine except for those of historical events/famous people. Music relevant to the daily topic is often included in a web video embedded below the blog. Click on highlighted links in the copy to get to source or supplemental material. For contact information, see my website @ janasvoboda.com or click on the button to the right below. Join in the conversation.
As much as we are connected and similar, there are a million ways to be different. In fact, no two humans are genetically the same. Even "identical" twins will show subtle variations in their genes due to minor spontaneous mutations occurring during gestation. That's in our specie's overall interest -- some of those variations will work better in a particular current environment. Authors Barbara Kingsolver (Animal, Vegetable, Miracle) and Michael Pollen ("The Botany of Desire") illustrate how well this works in the plant kingdom. Corn and apples produce enough seeds within one generation that some will make their way regardless if the upcoming growing season is colder, warmer, wetter, drier, shorter or longer.
With weirdness (*I use this term very affectionately), the different may be genetic sports, a nicer word for "mutants". They are the quiet one in a family of extroverts, the athlete in a family of couch potatoes, the artist in the family of engineers. Or the weirdness may be contained in a gene that is passed in degrees of strength throughout some members of the family, as case of red hair. Don't think that's weird? It's the rarest hair color-- found in only 1-2% of the world's population. And much of what we use to think of as personality variations are actually pretty well cemented in genetics, including tendencies toward depression, anxiety and resiliency.
Knowing and understanding that most people don't exactly freely choose to be/think/behave as they do can go a long way toward relaxing our attitudes towards them. You can stretch this one as far as you like, depending on your belief system. We don't get a choice about being tall or short, born here or in a third world country, to rich or poor or a single or unhappy parent. The most useful advice might be to remember you don't get to choose the hand you're dealt, but you can choose how to play it.
Or like the guy in this video-- maybe someday you'll meet someone who not only gets you, but helps you figure out how to turn that difference into a strength.
As always, for more information click the highlighted links.
First-- that's a misleading title. I really want to talk about neurotransmitters, not drugs. Let's call them NTs for short, because I am a lazy typist.
NTs are the little chemical stews that regulate much of our emotional life. Too short or overstocked on some, and we fall on one end or another of the bell curve that folks call "normal". In the next few posts I will be talking about the spectrum of difference we call mental disorders and how chemistry may be involved. I will be doing some wild speculating, so take me with a grain-- or block-- of salt. The theories spring from many years of work in the field and lots of reading, as well as my own particular biases.
Let's start with my biases. I think that humans are profoundly affected by both nature and nurture. By nature, I mean the machines of our particular genetics and the effect of environment on the same. Familial nutrition (up to generations back), and current physical environment such as toxin exposure effect the nature part. By nurture, I am referring not only to the emotional climate of our upbringing but exposure to information and experiences throughout life. I firmly believe in the plasticity of every brain-- the ability to reroute, change and grow in spite of our genetics. But I also believe those genetics set up the game.
Seems to me those pesky NTs and hormones play a pretty big role. How much dopamine, oxytocin, testosterone, serotonin etc is flowing in the system-- either manufactured or being able to be received and used-- appears to have a lot to do with how we act and feel. It may define our temperament and personality.
I also believe that humans are naturally narcissistic. As one author put it (and sorry, being a print surfer I can't remember where I read this), everything we know, feel, see comes through our filter and has happened to us. We are the lead actor in our lives, and the rest of the world our backdrop. From birth on, we see our view as The View. Luckily, we are usually naturally altruistic too. But since our genes and those pesky NTs may decide in advance what we feel, we may have a lot harder time understanding how it is that someone else can feel or act a lot differently. What we cannot perceive, we cannot receive. In addition to what we learn, see and experience, NTs are involved in development of empathy. Some of us have a lot of it, and others not so much.
More biases: I think "normal" is overrated. We benefit greatly from the variation of expression and thinking that results from the edges of that bell curve. Folks with what I suspect is lots less dopamine than the average homo sapien tend to be perfectionistic, orderly, obsessively detailed and restricted in their emotional range and expression. They don't get overly excited or reactive, and they are meticulous in thinking and performance. That's just what I want in my accountant or surgeon. I'm not saying that all in those field are like that, but that it is adaptive and helpful in certain professions or experiences. On the other hand, people with bipolar disorder tend to have lots of energy, emotion and enthusiasm- at least some of the time--- as well as creativity, quick-wittedness, and quirkiness. They make better artists than those dopamine-deprived folks. Again, I am talking in generalities.
Last bias: as hinted in the previous paragraph, I think nature is doing its deal by spreading out the variations to the gene pool. Barbara Kingsolver talks about this in her book, Animal, Vegetable, Miracle. In any given year, heirloom (read: not genetically modified) corn seed will produce a variable yield. That's because some of the seed works well in wet years, some in dry; some with early warmth and some with later frosts. This insures that any given year at least some of that corn will grow. It's no different with us humans. Some of our genetic tendencies will be either culturally or environmentally more desirable in a given era. Luckily, it's not only those that get passed down, because times change.
People are messy.
When I'm asked about my theoretical foundation for therapy, that's my answer. I'm not being trite. People are messy, they do the best they can, and they show up with all their strengths and weaknesses if they do truly show up. And by them, I of course mean us. All of us.
Psychologist David Snartch, an author of some really interesting books on relationship, talks about the tension between our desire for intimacy and our ability to tolerate it. We want to be known, then flinch at the nakedness that involves. It's hard to both preserve our tender egos and reveal our tender souls. Thus relationship become the crucible where self becomes fully formed. But crucibles are fiery and dangerous by nature, and in fear we withdraw to protect.
"A ship is safe in harbor, but that's not what ships are for", said William Shedd. By taking the risk to stay present even when we fear our whole self will not be loved, we can reach depths in relationship that unavailable in solitude. By taking the time to show our throats when we are scared and to deeply listen when we are tender, our hearts and souls can grow.
There is a reason for metaphors referring to the bonds of relationship. Ties that bind us can provide safety even as they engender responsibility and discomfort. We get connection, and it does come at the cost of staying seen and close. Sometimes that can feel like too much. But there is nothing like sharing a history with someone who has been there for you, warts and all; someone who has seen you at your worst and still remembers your best. All of it is truly a difficult bargain. We can try to be a rock, but we long for water, and relationship can slake our thirst. Our job is to tolerate the discomfort of being whole with another. I think the payoffs are worth it.
We make a living by what we get, but we make a life by what we give.--Winston Churchill
There are many ways to practice generosity. It's a little late to reflect it on your 2010 taxes, but gifts of goods or money to your favorite charity are always welcome. Don't worry about it being a small amount. Think of it this way-- if every Oregonian gave a penny a day to say, scholarships to deserving impoverished commnunity college students, that would be $10,000,000 a year. Every little bit counts.
You needn't give money to be generous. Here's other ways to spread your wealth.
1. Lend you ear to someone who needs to talk.
2. Share specialized tools and equipment with friends, neighbors, schools. My dad lived in a neighborhood that had a "tool library." If you need an air compressor, serger, tile cutter or somesuch twice a year, it makes more sense to borrow one than buy one. Just be sure you're willing to loan what you have as well.
3. Share your talents and skills. Volunteer to read or tutor at an elementary school; do maintenance at a local nonprofit, give a talk in your area of expertise to a community group. Translate a language you know for someone who needs it. This one is wide open. What can you do well?
4. Share your energy with someone whose is lagging. Run an errand or cook a meal for someone sick or grieving.
5. Share information. OK, be careful with this one. I'm not talking about unsolicited advice. But you may have an insider's scoop that can ease another's path or brighten their mood. For example, when I got started in my practice, at least three therapists came forward to offer me forms to use and client referrals. I've done the same for another four or five. I've had friends help me learn how to use my sewing machine, make a pie crust, etc-- all really appreciated.
I think I've only touched the surface with this one. Look for the chance to be generous in some small or big way tomorrow. As always, I am happy to hear what you did.
A few words about these resolutions: these are all ways to improve your health and happiness in small ways. I hope you will try checking each one off sometime during the month, though most are easy enough to do every day. I will post a checklist on the blog shortly. Print it out and see which ones you can hit at least once in the next few weeks.
I bet there are lots of videos about people's generosity and sharing on the web. I found one about a dog first.
Today's homework is to practice your Ps and Qs, and bring back the civil part of civilization. (Thanks, Hal!)
Use politeness words: please, thank you, you are welcome, I'm sorry.
Let others go first, hold a door, look at people when you're speaking, smile.
If you're visiting with someone else and not on call for emergencies, turn off your cell phone.
Try not to pay attention if other people are using their manners-- focus on being part of the solution. But if you notice others being courteous, be appreciative. If it's in a customer service role, tell their employer it made a difference.
Manners are a sensitive awareness of the feelings of others. If you have that awareness, you have good manners, no matter which fork you use. --Emily Post
Today's video provides tips for you Facebook users:
